Life is…

I was told multiple times today that I was good at summing something up in a few words. It’s something I’m relatively good at.

But life, contrary to my title cannot be encapsulated like that. This crazy ride were all on has no real rulebook. Plenty of people have written ones either with ink or blood, but ultimately it’s up to all of us to find our own way.

2014 was not the greatest year for yours truly. Well the last couple years have been the roughest of my life.
My dad was laid off
I left college without a degree
Left a job I loved that I had for 7 years
Started a new job
Quit said job after a few months(first time ever quitting a job without another one)
Went without work for about 4 months
Sank to a low I hadn’t known possible…

And then I got a break and landed a job with my uncle doing drywall. The best part, since my car had also stopped running and needed a new engine, was he lived next door and I could catch a ride with him. That was 7 months ago, the end of may. I’m still working with him but it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, physically and mentally for various reasons I need not elaborate on.

The thing is, construction is the last place I could have seen myself a year ago. But I’ve learned a lot, and incredibly I’ve gone from about 220 lbs down to 160. I’m in better shape than I’ve been in a long time.
Oh and there’s one thing I forgot to mention. My house, well my dad’s house is going to be foreclosed. Soon, who knows when they will come and take it. It’s kind of nerve wracking not knowing when it might happen.  Since my dad hasn’t worked in a couple years he couldn’t pay for the house. He moved to his dad’s house about 6 months ago because he is getting older and less independent and lived alone since my grandmother died. So I, in an effort to help my father, took over the bills here. At least that was my intention. I quickly realized that I couldn’t cover all of them on what I was making. So I did what I could to keep the lights and water on and food in the fridge. And I’ve done it…for myself and several others. But now a big decision looms and I am totally lost as to what to do.

I’m tired and have to be up around 4am and I realize I’m just rambling on now.

Life cannot be summed up, it cannot be contained. So much beauty, tragedy, pain, experience, and love is contained in each of our lives. It can only be felt, lived. It demands to be felt. To end on a positive note the hard things I’ve dealt with have really made me have to grow up and take responsibility. I can say I’m truly proud of what I have accomplished however small it may seem despite life kind of throwing a bunch at me at once.

The someone who is willing to admit they’re wrong is the someone who has the potential to learn anything. A wise person said that and I thought it was worth sharing, so farewell, and if you made it this far congrats. ☺

I need a change of scenery

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Sitting on the floor in my room, waiting for my café du monde to brew in my cheap little 4-cup coffee maker. I keep it in my room now, along with most of what I need to have coffee so as to avoid leaving my room as much as possible in the morning. You ever feel like a prisoner in your own home? Kind of a drag.

I am just about at the end of this chapter in my life. I can feel it, taste it, and I crave it. But the fear is holding me back. The ever present fear of the unknown.

The pacific northwest is calling my name and it keeps getting louder and louder. My cousin and his wife (two of the greatest people I know) live there. I talked to him yesterday and he mentioned his wife could probably get me a job at her catering company waiting tables. At this point, I would be willing to do just about anything, as long as it would get me out of this place.

I feel like I’ve been in the same place for ages, walking the same stretch of ground, driving the same stretch of road and I’m ready for a drastic change. I’m ready to travel and see the world, and if I fail, then I fail. But I have to at least know. I have to at least give it a shot. Who knows, these posts may soon be posted from somewhere in Washington or Oregon. Keep an eye out.

Know Thyself

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I’ll probably never make a cent from this blog, and honestly I’m fine with that. I believe anything worth doing in life should be done because of an inner drive to do it, despite any rewards or recognition you may receive. But lately, I’m wondering if this very integral part of my internal compass is hindering me at times.

What I mean is that if you always wait around for the “inner drive” to do things, then in periods of your life where those drives are not as strong, you may be doing a lot of sitting around and waiting. Luckily, like most things, our internal compass can be altered upon receiving new data. So, I’ve been thinking that rather than wait around until that desire to do something kicks in, I need to start stepping out and acting, trusting the process so that something can happen instead of nothing.

What I’m doing at this moment is a perfect example. I have been sitting around for weeks telling myself, “I need to start blogging again.” But that’s just it, I kept leaving it at that. I kept looking at other people’s blogs, following blogs, commenting, liking, anything but actually write a new post.

Until, something clicked. I somehow knew, what I’ve always known, and just keep forgetting. You just have to keep swimming. You will find the strength/courage/inspiration along the way, at each obstacle you face. Or you will turn and run, but you cannot get past it unless you press forward. So, to the new friends I’ve met here, and any old ones still following, I’d like to say…

Hi my name is The Reticent One, but I go by several aliases. I am not a blogger who knows his niche, necessarily. I do not have a specific target audience, or even a specific purpose here at my little corner of the internets. But I’m still working on it, like a lot of other things. What I do have to offer here is a sincere desire to better myself through a give and take exchange with other thoughtful and enlightened individuals. And if that sounds like you’re cup of tea, then lets brew a couple and have a conversation about sci-fi and religion.

Remember how we forgot?

 

Poetry should please by a fine excess and not by singularity. It should strike the reader as a wording of his own highest thoughts, and appear almost as a remembrance. -John Keats

So I was up late the other night, like 1 or 2 in the morning or so. Even though I knew that I should be sleeping already I just enjoy staying up late. I like finding new stuff like the video above for instance. I was browsing facebook, seeing if there was anything interesting someone had posted. Not just “had a great turkey sandwich for lunch” or “fml” but something to slightly enrich my existence. So I saw a post by a friend that I know through my cousin, and who also volunteers at a summer camp with me. She said “This is true poetry.” And just like that my curiosity was piqued. I read on, she said considering all the crap you’re scrolling through on facebook it’s worth it, take a few minutes and watch it.

I can’t tell you how glad I am that I clicked it. I feel as if that video has shifted my path in life. Not necessarily externally (although I hope it does), but internally this video as well as his other work is inspiring me in ways I haven’t felt in quite some time, since I actually believed in God and would get similar feelings in church.

After watching the video, once the goosebumps subsided, I began searching ravenously for all I could find that this man, Shane Koyczan had ever done. Minutes into my search I purchased an ebook of his poems. As cheap as I am, if I buy something rather than trying to find a free copy somewhere it is something very special to me. I felt the 8 bucks or so was well worth the impact that he had had on me already. I just wished I could throw more money at him. Eventually I know I will buy more of his stuff.

What I think affects me so much, besides of course his immense talent at the use of words to make you feel things, was that he reminded me what I loved so much about the time when I was writing poetry. The raw passion that can be put into a poem, once you stop caring so much about formalities and just make something that comes from deep inside you, something you have to say even if no one ever truly hears it. He made me remember that trying is what’s important, and not just that wimpy “trying” where you say oh well I tried in order to excuse yourself for giving up. Trying in the sense of pursuing your dreams in a relentless pursuit where the only way your giving up is when they stick you in the ground or burn your remains to spread in the ocean. Waking up every damn day and saying, “Today I will do better than yesterday.” I will never be perfect, I will never have it all figured out, but I’m not sitting around waiting just because I don’t have all the answers. I’m going to shine, to do what I am passionate about. To chase the dreams that make my heart race when I think of them. My only hope is that watching the video can have at least a fraction of the impact it has had on me. Because I feel different. I feel more hopeful, I feel less afraid.

I am passionate about sharing ideas, and sharing them in such a way that no one has quite heard before. Each moment of our seemingly ordinary existence is filled with such weight, if only because it is transient and will never come back around again. Each moment is a beat in a giant symphony composed by the universe that it plays for itself.

Today, find your “instrument” and join in the chorus.

I Need to Start Drawing Again…

So, Ender’s Game comes out this Friday. I am so excited to go see it. I usually don’t go to the movies if I can help it. I’d rather just wait for the movie to come out on DVD. But with this one, since I have waited so long for it I am going to make an exception.

This Friday also marks the first day of NaNoWriMo. I am hopeful that I will be able to stick with it this year. It doesn’t matter to me if I get to the end and the novel is really rough or even total crap. To me, if I can set the goal of 50,000 words in one month, and follow through with it, it will be a huge deal to me regardless of the quality of my first draft.

I don’t have a lot of content for this post, but I did want to share some pictures. Another of my hobbies that I really enjoy is drawing. Unfortunately, as with writing I have been out of the habit for quite some time. It really bugs me because I look back at these drawings and remember how much I loved it, and how much progress I made in a short time. Then I start thinking that like muscles that atrophy without exercise, my drawing “muscle” may be pretty weak at this point. My hope is that sharing these, and possibly getting some feedback may give me a push to start drawing again.

16 Days Without a Government

“Yeah It’s gonna be a sunny day today” dad said as he walked out of the living room.

It’s morning, 9:35 am on Thursday. I work at the library today. It’s that wonderful time of year when it’s cool out and stays that way most of the day. I am excited about the changes I am making. Despite the fact that I have tried before I am not going to give up despite failing. It’s day 1 of my chosen clarity. Tired of fogging my mind over to try to deal with stress. Maybe without that crutch I can turn to writing as stress relief.

The government apparently made a deal to reopen today, big whoop. Forgive me if I just don’t care about the government. It hurts my brain to think of how incompetent and corrupt they are.

Woke up yesterday to hearing my uncle Robby in the house talking to my dad. Apparently he had gotten a cab to our house, not knowing the situation at his house. We had been worried about him for a couple days after finding he went to jail. Erika, his girlfriend, apparently called the police after he choked her and threw her against the wall. He was then awoken from sleep to cops in his house, pointing tasers at him and yelling at him not to move. He shared a lot of stories with us about his time in jail. He said that what happened was his fault. She had tried to get him to stop drinking, saying that he’d had enough. But he wouldn’t listen and got very angry. He was remorseful, but in a way seemed grateful for the wake-up call. He is 50 years old and has kept living like he’s in his 20’s. He spent most nights/weekends in bars, and drank entirely too much for one person. He will be on probation for 4 years, since what he was charged with was a third degree felony. I feel bad for him. I wish he could have had an epiphany about changing his lifestyle without having to go to jail and go through all the stuff that comes with that. Robin and Rachel, my cousins, showed up with his truck and hung out for awhile.

My legs are extremely sore, I can only assume from being on my feet more at the new job. Speaking of the new job, I am loving it so far. It’s exciting to be doing new things. I am excited to see the store grow and to be a part of it as it grows. Plus it’s cool to have access to stuff that conveniently and I get a great discount.

I feel hopeful. I want to shift my focus, shift my thinking. I want to choose to do things, rather than succumb to inertia to guide my day. It is going to be a process, but I am committed to it. It will involve me actively being aware each moment of my motivation for what I’m doing. Am I doing it just to do it, or because it’s what I usually do? Or am I doing it because I truly want to do it?

Tim can’t sweat out of one armpit because of the radiation he had for his cancer, how weird is that. I will miss hanging out with him and talking with him at work. We are both at the point where we want to move on. Maybe I can make a point to get together with him from time to time.