Going in late…

Today is a nice little break from the monotony. I’m going in late today, leaving Steve’s around ten. The catch of course is we have to work late today. We have to do some work in an elevator lobby for our Min Su job. I thought I would try to take this time this morning and do what I’ve been dying to do for some time now. Just take a breather, alone. Collect my thoughts. I’m not hoping for any specific results or anything. Its just something I haven’t done in way too long. Something I should do every day.

I’m in my way. Always. Never letting myself rest. Never allowing myself to just be okay with not being okay. Seems every day I fall a little more behind, and I just can’t keep track anymore. Bills, responsibilities, worries, they are all becoming a burden that is tough to carry alone. My shoulders are sore, as is the rest of me. I just long to feel hope again. To truly look forward to the future, instead of dreading each new day and all the new debt and drama it brings.

****************

I can’t progress if I’m constantly claiming negative things about myself and my life. I have to start shifting the focus. Yes, things are kind of messed up right now. I have let a lot of things slide. But, I cannot let the negative outweigh the positive.

I have a place to stay
I have people who love me
I have a good sense of humor
I am intelligent
I have great empathy and compassion
I am great at problem solving/troubleshooting
I have proven that I can persist even in things that are difficult, i.e. my job

It’s shocked me honestly that I am still doing this job. That I have missed only a single day in around seven months. I didn’t even really need to miss that day and I regretted it pretty soon after not going. I’ve had to develop a certain skill lately that I like to call “kicking myself in the ass.” Metaphorically of course. It’s that thing you do when you just can’t bring yourself to face the day. You wake up and the anxiety sets in, you ask yourself what’s the point of all this? And then a choice must be made. Will you give in to that? Will you let the negativity swallow you, or will you get to kicking your own ass and do what needs to be done. Because typically, for me at least, once I’m up and going, the rest of the day has a way of kind of working itself out. It’s that initial resistance in the A.M. that I have been learning to battle lately, and I must say to my chagrin am doing pretty well at.

I bought a new roll-around tool bag the other day at Lowe’s. I got tired of carrying a 5 gallon bucket and my cordless bag in and out of every job. The search for a good bag reminded me of something else I like about myself. I am great at researching and deliberating. Yes at times I can be spontaneous and make an uninformed purchase, but typically I carefully weigh all the options at my disposal and find the best value for my money combined with the best features for what I’m looking for. So it took me a few trips both to home depot, Lowe’s, and their respective websites before I finally settled on what was to be my new tool bag. There are a few minor things I dislike about it after using it for a couple days, but overall I am very satisfied.

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My goals for 2015 (not resolutions :p)
Be present more
Cut yourself some slack
Edit your manuscript
Realize it’s okay to be confident Pay off Truck ASAP

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