Let Go

Boyhood movie

Today is the 31st of January. The first month of this year has already flown by, soon to be followed by the other eleven. And then another and another, it will keep going like this. And yet, simultaneously, there is only a single moment. And it is now.

Watched the movie Boyhood again last night. I enjoyed it just as much as the first time. I highly recommend it to anyone reading this.

 

I’ve been fascinated by listening to Alan Watts lately. His wise sonorous voice is going to be a part of my consciousness from now on I do believe.

I attended my grandfathers funeral on Thursday. I cannot express how appalling the minister was to me, and I’m sure many others. In a service that was meant to remember and honor a man, he instead used the bulk of our time trying to beat the “good news” into all of our heads. And he was all over the place, from the garden of Eden to pornography, drugs, deathbed conversions and how they are not a reliable bet…it was all just so inappropriate and unnecessary.

As I sat there though, I noticed a transition happen. I slowly slid from unbridled anger, to withdrawn pity and disdain. I saw an old man shouting into the abyss, shouting affirmations that helped him to justify his life’s work. It was so apparent that I wondered in that moment how anyone ever believed in this mockery. And then my eyes rose to see my grandfathers nose and folded hands which were all I could see above the rim of the coffin. This is why people allow all this foolishness, because it is too painful to watch people go and not be assured that they are not really gone. That somehow, in someway or another they will live on. That there is some plan, some wonderful grand scheme at work, and that one day it will all make sense. Just not today, so stop asking, just trust God.

But for some of us, that answer just stops being good enough. Some of us step out of the “light” and once our eyes adjust, we see just how much that light was blinding us all along. And then we start to slowly make our own light. We find something that we find noble and true, and we create a spark. And as we nourish it, and feed it, it becomes a flame. And one fine day, we will find ourselves clothed in fire, illuminating our path in all directions as we finally realize that only we can light our way. Because all other lights will blind you when you get too close to them, but the light that emanates from within, that light will let you see the world in all it’s glorious wonder and ineffable beauty. And all you have to do is the easiest and hardest thing imaginable. Let go.

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Going in late…

Today is a nice little break from the monotony. I’m going in late today, leaving Steve’s around ten. The catch of course is we have to work late today. We have to do some work in an elevator lobby for our Min Su job. I thought I would try to take this time this morning and do what I’ve been dying to do for some time now. Just take a breather, alone. Collect my thoughts. I’m not hoping for any specific results or anything. Its just something I haven’t done in way too long. Something I should do every day.

I’m in my way. Always. Never letting myself rest. Never allowing myself to just be okay with not being okay. Seems every day I fall a little more behind, and I just can’t keep track anymore. Bills, responsibilities, worries, they are all becoming a burden that is tough to carry alone. My shoulders are sore, as is the rest of me. I just long to feel hope again. To truly look forward to the future, instead of dreading each new day and all the new debt and drama it brings.

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I can’t progress if I’m constantly claiming negative things about myself and my life. I have to start shifting the focus. Yes, things are kind of messed up right now. I have let a lot of things slide. But, I cannot let the negative outweigh the positive.

I have a place to stay
I have people who love me
I have a good sense of humor
I am intelligent
I have great empathy and compassion
I am great at problem solving/troubleshooting
I have proven that I can persist even in things that are difficult, i.e. my job

It’s shocked me honestly that I am still doing this job. That I have missed only a single day in around seven months. I didn’t even really need to miss that day and I regretted it pretty soon after not going. I’ve had to develop a certain skill lately that I like to call “kicking myself in the ass.” Metaphorically of course. It’s that thing you do when you just can’t bring yourself to face the day. You wake up and the anxiety sets in, you ask yourself what’s the point of all this? And then a choice must be made. Will you give in to that? Will you let the negativity swallow you, or will you get to kicking your own ass and do what needs to be done. Because typically, for me at least, once I’m up and going, the rest of the day has a way of kind of working itself out. It’s that initial resistance in the A.M. that I have been learning to battle lately, and I must say to my chagrin am doing pretty well at.

I bought a new roll-around tool bag the other day at Lowe’s. I got tired of carrying a 5 gallon bucket and my cordless bag in and out of every job. The search for a good bag reminded me of something else I like about myself. I am great at researching and deliberating. Yes at times I can be spontaneous and make an uninformed purchase, but typically I carefully weigh all the options at my disposal and find the best value for my money combined with the best features for what I’m looking for. So it took me a few trips both to home depot, Lowe’s, and their respective websites before I finally settled on what was to be my new tool bag. There are a few minor things I dislike about it after using it for a couple days, but overall I am very satisfied.

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My goals for 2015 (not resolutions :p)
Be present more
Cut yourself some slack
Edit your manuscript
Realize it’s okay to be confident Pay off Truck ASAP

2.0

We are all duped each and every day, until we see the light.
For months we see commercials telling us of the coming of something new,

something truly great, which, if we can only get hold of, will fill that void
we hadn’t even noticed until it was pointed out.

Sad souls, chasing the latest and greatest piece of planned obsolescence,
but we never notice the plan, instead we think things just change quickly,

but things don’t change, not really,

they just rearrange, because nothing is good until it’s new,
and nothing can be new for long.
A song gets old after several plays,
a new car loses something after a few days,

so they take a thing that was new, paint it a different hue,
use a new type of adamantium coated screw,
and then they unleash it alongside clever brainwashing techniques
to make the undiscerning wonder how they ever got through the day without it,

and then we all go out and willingly relieve ourselves of our cash to have this new thing.
Then comes the sting, you’re the proud owner of the greatest thing since sliced bread,

and in your head you feel that all the hours you worked to pay for it were worth it
for a few days, or months,
until you see the new commercial
advertising model 2.0.

The fuckers are brilliant, if only because they are persistent,
and of course because it keeps working.
There is big money in discontent,
imagine all the money spent to remedy the ache.

How much would it take for you to be happy?
How many more crappy devices must you consume,
before you recognize the lies they feed you.

The majority of us never see it, and probably never will.
Instead we try to keep up this fools pace, to stay one step ahead,
or if we can’t envy those who can, hoping one day we can count ourselves

among the fortunate ones.

Imagined exclusivity calls us to buy mass manufactured goods thinking we’ll be part
of a privileged few.

And so we make payments
to count ourselves among the millions or billions who are just as gullible as us.

————-

Life is…

I was told multiple times today that I was good at summing something up in a few words. It’s something I’m relatively good at.

But life, contrary to my title cannot be encapsulated like that. This crazy ride were all on has no real rulebook. Plenty of people have written ones either with ink or blood, but ultimately it’s up to all of us to find our own way.

2014 was not the greatest year for yours truly. Well the last couple years have been the roughest of my life.
My dad was laid off
I left college without a degree
Left a job I loved that I had for 7 years
Started a new job
Quit said job after a few months(first time ever quitting a job without another one)
Went without work for about 4 months
Sank to a low I hadn’t known possible…

And then I got a break and landed a job with my uncle doing drywall. The best part, since my car had also stopped running and needed a new engine, was he lived next door and I could catch a ride with him. That was 7 months ago, the end of may. I’m still working with him but it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, physically and mentally for various reasons I need not elaborate on.

The thing is, construction is the last place I could have seen myself a year ago. But I’ve learned a lot, and incredibly I’ve gone from about 220 lbs down to 160. I’m in better shape than I’ve been in a long time.
Oh and there’s one thing I forgot to mention. My house, well my dad’s house is going to be foreclosed. Soon, who knows when they will come and take it. It’s kind of nerve wracking not knowing when it might happen.  Since my dad hasn’t worked in a couple years he couldn’t pay for the house. He moved to his dad’s house about 6 months ago because he is getting older and less independent and lived alone since my grandmother died. So I, in an effort to help my father, took over the bills here. At least that was my intention. I quickly realized that I couldn’t cover all of them on what I was making. So I did what I could to keep the lights and water on and food in the fridge. And I’ve done it…for myself and several others. But now a big decision looms and I am totally lost as to what to do.

I’m tired and have to be up around 4am and I realize I’m just rambling on now.

Life cannot be summed up, it cannot be contained. So much beauty, tragedy, pain, experience, and love is contained in each of our lives. It can only be felt, lived. It demands to be felt. To end on a positive note the hard things I’ve dealt with have really made me have to grow up and take responsibility. I can say I’m truly proud of what I have accomplished however small it may seem despite life kind of throwing a bunch at me at once.

The someone who is willing to admit they’re wrong is the someone who has the potential to learn anything. A wise person said that and I thought it was worth sharing, so farewell, and if you made it this far congrats. ☺